New Year’s Anxiety
There are so many things I wanted to accomplish.
My eyebrows grew ragged, my nails remain unpainted… my Christmas tree? Still standing. This Christmas break was supposed to feel relaxing.
Really, though. Who was I fooling?
The party started immediately following the last working Friday of the year, literally. We holiday-partied ourselves right under the table.
Saturday Brian’s biological father was supposed to visit – he didn’t.
Sunday we recovered.
Monday was Christmas Eve, Tuesday Christmas, Wednesday – Christmas Recovery.
Thursday and Friday I vacillated between enjoying my time off and worrying about our NYE dinner party. But I’ve since forgotten what that enjoyment felt like, because now I’m worried again, this time about the entire month of January. Which is my own fault because I didn’t use my time off to properly prepare for the swiftly approaching First Month of the Year.
The word January sends shivers through my soul. The month ahead brings two new projects at work – a big one and a really big one. January means onboarding a new hire and hunting for a second to help with the aforementioned really big project. Jan 1 means I’m two weeks behind a (self-imposed) content strategy schedule for this side gig of mine.
I have collaborators waiting for updates. I have family I still haven’t wished a Merry Christmas, let alone a Happy New Year. I have a project to present later this week for which I currently have no content.
See what I’ve done to myself? My anxiety is at an all-time high and it’s January 1st. I go back to my work tomorrow, and my chances to catch up have officially deceased.
Lord, help me.
It’s time to take control back, I’ve decided.
At present time (9:02 pm EST), I’m freshly showered. That’s a vital step, I’ve learned.
Earlier this afternoon, I sat cross-legged in my art loft for over an hour staring at a blank canvas, my gaze jerking from one tube of acrylic paint to another as I tried to decide which color to start with. The mental block was obvious – I’m out of white paint. I felt stuck in a want to paint and an inability to actually paint what I wanted because I really needed to start with that white paint.
In the shower, my mind went into autopilot. I wandered freely in thought, and, without knowing how I got there, found myself telling this same story I’m typing out now. The mental recap was helping me feel better.
Post-shower, my hair’s quite damp and feels cool between my head and my pillowcase. I’m reclined on my bed, next to the side table where my laptop silently awaited as I cleansed. I’m writing because of that urge to release this energy, an urge I only know how to relieve via writing. And I’m doing it blog-style instead of freestyle because I want to share this story – maybe my story could help someone else, after all.
Typing these words has released a stifled energy, the keyboard drawing the bad vibes right out of my body by way of fingertip.
Alas, back to the present, which coincidentally is my new year’s resolution: be present.
If you’re also stuck in your head, I suggest writing. Just write. Doesn’t have to be grammatically correct. Doesn’t have to be good. Perhaps you’ll find, as you concentrate on the written word, that your anxieties will flow freely away through some invisible valve. Mine did.
Minds clear, we’ll accomplish so very much this year. Happy New Year to you, friends. Cheers!
- Mama Kate